Embracing impermanence

The last couple of months have really been a whirlwind of emotions. I hate that sometimes I want to write something with so much depth in it and my words fall short in the process. This is partially why I haven't been writing lately. I have a lot to say but I feel like I am lacking in certain areas that would otherwise assist my creative brain. So bear with me, I am a little rusty.

I have been working pretty hard lately on something that has the ability to shape the entire rest of my future and that has been a very interesting change of pace. I have been sober for about a month and a half in an effort to concentrate better and not lose days nursing hangovers. That has been interesting too especially with summer still being in full swing. It hasn't changed much in my life, probably just my tolerance so I know that one beer will feel like a dozen when I eventually do drink again.

All that being said, I have found myself feeling lonely these days. This time commitment has forced me to isolate myself a fair bit and I don't love it but the solitude has made me notice more of the things going on around me.

For starters, I am noticing that a lot of people are breaking up and that has been tough to watch especially if the people going through the breakups are close friends. On the other hand, I am noticing the people that are falling in love and that is quite beautiful too. In some ways, there is beauty in impermanence - seeing a chapter close only for a new exciting and maybe even scary one to begin.

I am noticing that I am starting to care again and that's been a new feeling lately. As much as I am a romantic, I have a hard time giving my all to someone and I guess that also goes right back to impermanence. I am scared of falling again or caring too much only for that care to be taken for granted and abused. I've done that a lot and I don't think I was wrong to care, but I almost always wish I was better at slowing down and loving from afar. I get too excited, too hungry for that heat of the moment lust. I am the literal definition of a hopeless romantic. I experience one beautiful moment and I want to write novels about it, sing my heart out for the world to hear. I guess I am just hoping that there will be someone out there one day who will want to write novels about me and sing their heart out to the beat of my heart too.

In other news, I have been giving a lot of thought to the concept of permanence or lack thereof. I'm not going to lie, I really was bummed out over that guy from the last blog post. That situation bothered me for a while and it got me thinking that perhaps I really need to take a break. BUT... in true Cez fashion, it's as if I have a gift for attracting people when I am at my most broken.

I came across someone that I frankly thought I'd ghost within the week because he lives in Michigan and I cannot stand the idea of not having someone physically with me these days. I never thought I was a physical touch love language kind of person until recently I guess, and now, I'd rather bang my head off a wall full force than think about anything long distance again. Been there, done that, hated every minute of it. However, he did not fuck off LOL.

As the days passed and the conversations went from one day to the next, I grew a bit of a soft spot. To be completely candid, I did try to tell him to let go of the idea of me (on two separate occasions). It didn't work. As much as he didn't want to let go, I don't think I did either. Until about two days ago, I did not think I cared that much. I have been trying to practice slowing down and boundaries if you would believe. I tried keeping him in the background and focusing on what or better yet, who is in front of me physically. I felt guilty.

And so, two days ago, without meaning to, he scared me by saying "Hi Cez". He usually calls me pet names, something cutesy, literally never by my name. I swear that although I had no reason to think this, I could have bet my life on the fact that he was calling me Cez because he was about to break us off (a relationship that isn't a relationship for total added clarity LOL). My heart sank to my literal stomach. It wasn't until that exact moment that I realized I actually cared for him and whether he stays in my life in some capacity.

This type of caring though has been weird, maybe even different than before. I feel like I am getting to a point where my heart has a lot of bandaids over it and it's not regenerating in the way it used to. If anything, it's kind of used to this idea of impermanence and that's kind of sad. When my heart sank to my stomach, it was an almost expected feeling, as if I knew exactly how to rip open the bandaid package already and place it carefully over the wound. I was already ready for the heartbreak.

There was nothing wrong though and he just wanted to switch it up from calling me pet names all the time.

But me, I was ready to embrace impermanence.

Fireworks and butterflies and the heat of a moment that is nothing but a mere moment

I haven't written in a while and I'm sorry for that. June tends to be that way every year. I am now a year older and closer to 30 and that scares me a bit. Only eleven months left of my 20's.

I was talking to this Irish guy about two weeks ago that sent me a podcast episode (Mel Robbins Podcast - 13 things I wish I knew in my 20's) to listen to on my drive from Windsor to Toronto. His mom had sent him the episode and he shared it with me too. I resonated with a lot of it, as I'm sure many people my age would. The thing is that most podcasts are put out there to appeal to the masses so it only makes sense that these lessons or pieces of advice would be quite broad and applicable to us all.

That being said, one of those 13 things was of particular interest to me, which is the point of what I wanted to write about today. It said something along the lines of "date people for who they are and not the potential of who you want them to be". Frankly, I had to stop the episode right after she said that line because I needed a moment to process before I could even listen to her explanation of what she meant by it. Date someone for exactly who they are and not their baggage, not their work-in-progress attitude, not their immature inability to be a good partner. They might have potential but that doesn't mean they'll reach it.

I thought back to a few weeks prior. I had met this really awesome guy in a bar. I was very heavily under the influence and not at all in a position to meet anyone. I was sitting at the bar in one of my favourite places on King West with my good friend. This guy comes up and sits next to me and tries to make small talk. I remember not caring much about what he had to say because my eyes were locked in on the bartender who was ignoring the crap out of my drink order and I just wanted to drink my troubles away. In an effort to make this guy go away, I told him that I'd only give him my attention if he was able to get the bartender's attention so I could get a drink. He smiled and yelled out bloody murder to the bartender as if someone really was chasing him down with a gun. I never got a drink so quickly in my life.

Now, stuck with my promise, the guy wanted my attention. Once I finally got a good look at him with my drunk goggles on, I realized he really was quite handsome. After a few slurred exchanges, smiles and flirty eyes, he got up and asked me to dance. Ok yeah he was not only hot, but he stood at a gorgeous height above me and kissed my forehead. I was rather enamored. Although we mutually wanted to take each other home, we settled for some stolen kisses and intertwined fingers. He said he would message me to plan something proper when we aren't drunk. I agreed.

A mere 48 hours later, he picked me up for our date. I mostly agreed to be picked up because I couldn't for the life of me remember what he looked like once I sobered up. I didn't regret it though. Not only did he have good taste in cars, but he looked fine as hell. Dress pants, button up white shirt, gorgeous flowy hair that just about touched his shoulders. Right, I remembered the hair. Soft-spoken, polite, opened every door. He couldn't take his eyes off me and quite frankly, I couldn't believe how gorgeous this man was. I think that if he had brought me flowers too, I would've sworn off any other man for the rest of my existence right then and there. That's how perfect that was.

I was a bit embarrassed because I had spent the 24 hours prior trying to remember our interaction at the bar. I had snippets of memory fill my brain and those snippets were far from the attitude I would've had with this beautiful of a man. He laughed when I said that and said he actually was the one who sought me out because he thought I was beautiful. I was blowing him off so heavily though and so I asked why he continued trying even though in those moments I had zero interest in anything other than my tequila soda. He thought our interaction was different than what he usually gets so it was actually quite refreshing. I was drowning in embarrassment.

One thing led to another and the lights were starting to turn off at the restaurant he took me to. We had been talking for so long that the whole place cleared out in the meantime and we were the only two left. The owner eventually came to greet us and told us how she was admiring us from afar and didn't want to kick us out because we were just radiating in each other's presence. I couldn't have imagined a better evening.

He drove me home and took the literal longest way home. We couldn't stop talking. Not a single pause, not a single defect. Eventually, even while parked in front of my place and about a dozen goodbyes and goodnights, we continued talking. Another hour in the car and my mouth was beginning to need water. He asked if I had tea. Of course I had tea.

Normally, I wouldn't invite a guy upstairs after a date. It's just not my style. But him? I didn't want this conversation to end. It was so good that I wanted to live in that moment forever. We connected in a way that I only felt before with one person. You guys know cause I've written about that guy so many times. Except this felt even better. I know this is an insane statement of me to make.

We both settled on sparkling water and sat back down, this time on my couch and continued talking. We talked like that until 5 in the morning, until we eventually fell asleep in each other's arms. A mean alarm woke us up at 7:30am. It was a Tuesday. We both needed to go to work. I had the best night I ever had with a man and all we did was talk. I was still wearing the same clothes from dinner. It didn't feel real. I didn't think real life had the ability to feel this good.

A week or so later, it all imploded. Shocker.

Although I'd like to put the blame on him, I'm not sure that's fair. I seem to have a knack for finding men when they're in their healing stage and they need to work on themselves. We all need love though, and I guess I give him grace because he was 6 months freshly out of a relationship and our connection felt great in the moment when you can lose yourself for a night and be vulnerable with another. I don't think that it wasn't real but I can appreciate the raw realization that dawns upon us when the night turns into day and reality kicks in. He wasn't healed and a connection like ours made him realize there were other things he needed to focus on. This wouldn't have been just a fling and so the realization that he was nowhere near healed enough for more, must've been scary. I can't blame him. Sometimes you really don't know that you need to step back until something or someone pushes your boundaries.

I was okay to let him go. I didn't want to date the potential of him or the love I desired. I was interested in him, but not the unhealed version of him. I didn't want to fix him. I didn't want to wait on the sidelines until he was ready to give me that unfiltered version I got to see that night. I wanted that all the time and he was not in a position to give me that.

On the other hand, I am healed. I am ready for more. I am ready to stay up all night with someone I vibe with and talk about every subject in the book, from A to Z and speak about everything in detail. I am ready to pour into someone but in such a way where we only complement each other and don't become co-dependent. Two whole people, completely ok on their own, who seek the companionship of one another. I don't need a project. I don't need insecurity or to keep looking at my phone waiting for a text or call to come in. I don't need to wonder about what they're up to, why they're not texting, or why they can't make time for me.

I listened to that podcast episode about two weeks after this whole thing imploded with the beautiful man. I felt good knowing that although I knew I made the right choice, someone else validated me. Date someone for who they are, and not their potential to be who you think they could be. This beautiful man could have one day grown into the partner that he gave me the impression he could be on that first date. However, he was not there yet and quite frankly, I didn't know whether that day was coming anytime soon. I couldn't wait for him to get there when he himself had doubts about what he could and could not give me.

I'd do a disservice to myself if I allowed someone to take up space in my heart if they didn't know that I like flowers and I want them often without having to ask. Similarly, if their day doesn't start with the thought of me and greeting me, well, why not? I don't want to find excuses for why I am receiving less than what I want and desire and dream of having. Love should feel good and secure and it should make me cheese my way through every day. The cool thing is that I've experienced snippets of this and I know it exists. Now it's more so finding the one that doesn't implode so quickly.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo

Trust your gut and end it

If you would have asked me five years ago, I wouldn’t of known what to tell you about boundaries. I don’t even know what I would've told you about deal breakers. I'd like to think that in my head, I knew the really bad stuff that you would walk away from- the things like cheating, lying, physical and verbal abuse. But other than that, I ignored red flags and even rode along with them and retaliated when I felt like I needed to.

I’d like to think that in the years that followed, I grew up I guess. At the very least, I went to therapy for six months.

Last summer I went on a first date with a guy who I still think is super cute. He was really charming. I will say though that I felt absolutely nothing during that date. Nonetheless and maybe just because I found him to be really physically attractive, I wanted to keep talking to him in the hopes that maybe something could develop along the way.

After about a week of texts being exchanged with several hours if not a day in between each response from him, he told me that he too did not feel those fireworks he wanted to feel with me. We agreed to leave things as they were and stay buds.

I wasn't disappointed or sad. Not in him at least. I do however remember feeling sort of bad for myself. I knew even while on the date that he was not the guy for me and yet, I had this desire to explore. For lack of better words, I really didn't mind wasting my time.

I'm not sure why that is. I always blamed it on being a womanly thing - to want to give someone the benefit of the doubt up until there really isn't a doubt to give. I knew after that first date that our texts were quite scarce and he hadn't expressed a desire to see me again. I knew there was really no shortage in men out there and typically, if a guy took that long to text me back, I was upset or turned off.

It took me a long time to get over what I will call these "orange flags". They're not quite red cause sometimes these men would do things inadvertently without having a single intention of harming me, but, all the same, I should have taken note of the things they did that were not quite my cup of tea. Similarly, sometimes I'd give a chance to a guy that I wasn't quite attracted to but continued on with the belief that maybe one day it will click.

I'll say that I kind of envy that guy from last summer because unlike me, it seems like he knew precisely what he wanted and didn't stray away from those things. While I too think I know the things I need in a partner, I will sometimes test my own boundaries by letting them bend a little and only regret it once I take my rose-coloured glasses off. I should get better about trusting my gut, but what can I say? I am a hopeless romantic who thinks that sometimes you have to let things play out until they literally need to end.

I've always wondered what if I end something prematurely and it actually had the potential of being really great? What if I regret it? Would I even know?

I think that's my own trauma playing a role in this. I guess I'm still not over a romance that I think ended prematurely. I wanted it quite badly to work out and I couldn't understand why he didn't and was so set on the fact that we weren't compatible. I guess I carried that with me in all future romances and always gave it one extra shot even when I knew things were done, or that they needed to end.

I still do that sometimes. Just recently I caught myself giving things "one more date to see if I really do feel like I should end things". I find it silly now that I think of it.

I will say I learned this: while I'm sure it's not a foolproof method, I do think that your gut feeling is usually right. If you feel like something is off, even if you can't quite put your finger on what, that's usually a sign that something is not aligning. Generally speaking, that feeling won't change. Of course there are unicorns in this, but generally, if you feel like something is off, it probably is. Try not to waste your own time by thinking that something could change. Yeah, something could change but if that person is already not proactively working on being the absolute best version of themselves around you, that won't change much as time goes on.

Respect your own time, boundaries, wants and needs. You got this friends.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo